Peer Response

Your writing is very sequential but could improve with vivid descriptions that describe your night in general. For instance the transition from one event to another in your writing piece seemed a little fast paced but could improve with the help of detail and perhaps the use of dialogue that make your writing progress forward. Another thing I would suggest to improve writing is to show rather than tell. An example I can give is the sentence on watching the audience immersed by the beat. Rather than tell you could describe the audiences reaction in this case.  Also I believe that some other ways to improve your writing is to go ahead and combine some shorter sentences that you have. For instance your sentences “ I said goodbye to my friends as I quickly got up. I walked back to my dorm as fast as I could to see if my friends had already left, which they did” could be combined into one sentence with rearrangement in structure. Personally small sentences work best with narrative writing when the writer is talking about a very intense moment.  Overall, I believe that your writing does deliver and provide a satisfactory summary of our night.  

I believe that your story does encapsulate the necessary foundation of a good narrative but could use improvement. Ways that I believe that could make this narrative a very distinctive piece is by giving more visual imagery on characters and setting. For instance you could describe the attire Dr. Wall was wearing and perhaps facial expressions for the enthusiasm on the book. Another suggestion I have is the idea of showing rather than telling due to the fact when a person writes a narrative the five senses play a big role in the idea of having the reader almost experience the event. For instance you said that “Dr. Wall captures everyone’s attention as she shares her comments about the novel”. A way to make the writing more appealing is by describing the comments or the audience’s reaction to Dr. Wall talking about the novel. Another thing I would like to add to improve your writing is the idea of dialogue not feel stand alone. I am not saying they don’t fit in the context of this particular piece but emphasis on detail will help make dialogue flow easier. Overall I believe you did a good job describing your night. Just a little more detail and reflection would make the transition of your writing flow.

 Hi Matthew,

Your literacy narrative definitely qualifies as being a well told story as you explore the role of how the book The Stranger by Albert Camus played a role in your belief. I also like how you were able to give vivid detail by incorporating quotes. This in my opinion served a good way to have the reader like myself to get a better context on what type of book it is including its tone, character development and style. I also like how you were able to reflect upon you connection to the character of the book Meursault. Some alternative that I might consider doing if subjected to revise is to consider adding specific detail about church in the beginning part of your narrative. This could maybe enhance and give a really intriguing unexpected hook to help readers dive in to your writing. Another suggestion I have is to show rather tell about your experience being in the Roman Catholic faith in the beginning part of your draft. This could also give some indication of the significance on your belief. Otherwise I really like how you came full circle in this piece from writing about your belief in the beginning and addressing your feeling after you describe your origins.  It was really interesting to read about.

Hi, Adam
I really enjoy your memoir about yourself and our interests in sports. It is really cool to know that your aspiration for tennis, connected relationship with your coach along with family and friends is what you are thankful for to helping be over here at Drexel University. I like how you were able to reflect about your natural progression as an athlete in your writing piece. A recommendation I would give is to add figurative language. In my opinion it would work well with your style of writing, especially imagery or personification. Another thing I would like to recommend is to slow the pace of certain moments in your memoir. This affect itself give you the opportunity to build increase tension that will ultimately make your writing feel more memorable. This would work best for the championship team tournament part. One last recommendation is to give more characterization to Roy Camara de Freitas since you said that it made your team more dangerous. How so? What was the teams playing style before becoming better? Overall, I really enjoyed your writing, it really made me reflect upon why do I do the things I do and those who supported me and helped me get to Drexel university.

I also found your essay to be really descriptive and contain much sensory detail. I liked the sentence” The energy of the club seeped through my skin and into my veins”. This really showed that great anticipation that you had to be able to attend to this event. In terms of grammar, I also found in your essay to have few placement comma errors. In general, I found your essay easy to follow but feel that emphasis should be placed in areas that needed it.  For instance in terms of finding out how this event relates to your past, mentioning on listening to this DJ before definitely qualifies but it needs more emphasis and detail to fully answer the prompt of this essay. You could also perhaps give some background information on whether or not you have been to a concert before. Something I feel that you should answer in this draft including the difference between listening and seeing a live performance of the DJ. I feel like this should also be mentioned somewhere near your conclusion. By answering these questions this would your writing more impactful. Also as a side note you might want to break up your writing into paragraphs.

I found your essay really enjoyable to read as I myself recognized some of the descriptions you recorded about your visit over to the Philadelphia Museum of Art. I found that incorporating the time about you and your aunt in Europe to the parlor rooms was very impactful to the essay as whole. In terms of writing I feel that your essay flows very nicely as you were able to give a nice transition between the exhibits you saw. For instance, the sentence “It was filled to the brim with various types of medieval armor and weaponry from all across Europe”. Some feedback I might suggest in this particular assignment is to give visual like description of what you saw. This includes relating any shapes, colors, different painting, and furniture in a way that has much more imagery to a given reader of your essay. I believe that would enhance the piece and make it very unique and memorable. In terms of grammar or mechanics I did not see any errors at all. Overall, I like the way you concluded your essay in that you were able to give insight from your past experience and also your brief time at the art museum.